


The NVCR Intern Survival Handbook

by longhairshortfuse



Category: Welcome to Night Vale
Genre: F/M, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M, Mild Horror, POV interns, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-28
Updated: 2014-10-19
Packaged: 2018-02-19 02:50:36
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 13
Words: 13,067
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2371757
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/longhairshortfuse/pseuds/longhairshortfuse
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Congratulations on securing an internship at Night Vale Community Radio!<br/>You probably ought to read the handbook.</p><p>E Rating is for chapter 8</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Introduction.

**The NVCR Intern Survival Handbook**

Introduction

Congratulations on securing an internship at Night Vale's only truly independent broadcasting facility. Working here, you can expect to gain many transferable skills such as unusual time management, flexibility to sudden and far-reaching change, mental resilience and, of course, a well-honed survival strategy. We can honestly say that all of our past interns who made it are thriving figures in the community. 

In this helpful guide you will find our "Top Ten Tips" for your first few days. Read it carefully because you will need to follow the advice freely given to get you to the end of the week. These are regularly updated to remain relevant to your period of employment. After that there are pages filled with personal messages from former interns that will give you further ideas on how to get the best experience of life as an intern.

Good luck and welcome to the NVCR family. You have made a brave decision!

Top Ten Tips

1\. Learn how to use the coffee machine.  
 _Put one smear of blood from your left middle finger on the milk steamer knob, use only Colombian Arabica grounds (it dislikes Robusta and may explode). Push the four red buttons at exactly the same time and jump back in case the void opens under your left foot._

2\. The photocopier only bites when it senses fear.  
 _Speak kindly to it, say please and thank you, offer fresh toner cartridges politely. Keep your voice low and monotone at all times. In the event of a paper jam, dim the lights and ask if the photocopier would like to be serviced by a technician of the same gender (photo-static). Do not under any circumstances attempt to clear a paper jam by yourself. How would you like it if you had a bit of constipation and someone stuck their hand..._  
 _...contractually, the photocopier has a morning off every Wednesday and is not obliged to reproduce the words of slashfic accurately. If in doubt, ask its permission. A sharp tang of ozone means yes, a whirring, grinding noise means no. Do not get those signals confused._

3\. Do not talk to station management.  
 _You will be terminated immediately and without written warning._

4\. Feed the cats.  
 _Nobody knows how they got there but it is an intern's duty to see that the cats in the men's room are well cared for. Your gender is not an issue here. The big bruiser is called Khoshekh but he doesn't answer to anyone. The smaller ones are presumed to be his offspring. Don't ask awkward questions, you must respect their privacy._  
 _Cat care routine: change the litter as soon as you arrive then change it again half an hour later as they all like a clean tray and will hold it in until they get one. Give them fresh food and fresh water twice daily. You may leave a tap dribbling for the cats who can reach the sink but those who cannot tend to get jealous and a little stabby with their venomous spine ridges if they feel unappreciated. Spend at least fifteen minutes out of every ninety playing with them all. There is a box of suitable toys in the last cubicle._  
 _ **Do not attempt to take photographs of the cats.** It is an exclusively fatal activity._

5\. Learn to be interested in things.  
 _Seriously, learn to look and sound interested in everything. Especially if it is the talent talking. A little polite goodwill can make the difference between a positive learning experience and a one way trip to the break room._  
 _Recently, interns have found it helpful to be able to listen attentively to tales about perfect hair, perfect teeth, military cemeteries, oak, caramel, skin tones and science. Read up on all of those topics as soon as you are able._

6\. Carry a portable recorder and leave it on.  
 _You never know when you will hear something that will keep you safe simply by pretending not to have heard it whilst casually dropping a copy of the recording into someone's mailbox and another in a sealed envelope in the same vault as your will._

7\. Be punctual.  
 _Time is difficult and open to interpretation, especially around the radio station. It is possible to leave the building, record an hour of outside broadcast material and return to find that only a few minutes have passed. It is also possible to lose an entire day because it has been cancelled without notice. All NVCR shift timings are referenced to the Station TimeClock which has its own webcam and web page dedicated to "What time the station thinks it should be." Keep checking it, this is the time by which your punctuality will be judged and found wanting when you punch in and out._

8\. Do not approach strange objects.  
 _Pyramids, strange shapes, small cute-looking furry beings with duck-eyes, tall dark winged figures and child-sized dead-eyed genderless humanoids should not be approached under any circumstances. If you encounter one of these objects in your work here, leave the room slowly closing the door behind you quietly. Leave the station building at a fast walk. Do not start running and screaming until you are at least ten feet from the station door. Whatever it is can probably still sense your terror and reach out to cause the impending doom of which you are suddenly aware._

9\. If it glows and it is a cloud, worship it.  
 _ALL HAIL ALL HAIL ALL HAIL bow low before the mighty Glow Cloud ALL HAIL ALL HAIL crawl before the Glow Cloud you are worthless in its sight ALL HAIL ALL HAIL ALL HAIL_  
 _Also look out for falling animals. Carry a sturdy umbrella with you at all times._

10\. Do not offer dating advice, even if asked.  
 _You're new here. Try to get through your first weeks without making important enemies. Remember you are the newest, the weakest and the greenest intern in the station. There can be only one Voice and it is your job to make sure the Voice has the assistance he needs whilst subtly displacing every other intern who is also vying for his attention and the chance to try out as his successor. It is most definitely not your job to supply the Voice with a constant stream of Sunday supplement relationship advice._  
 _Seriously, the last intern who tried got sent to the Vansten library and has not been seen since._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I may from time to time update with stories from various interns.  
> Last night's insomnia was particularly bad!


	2. Intern Leonard

Welcome, new intern! I presume that if you are reading this then I have died or left of my own free will to meet an accident outside, or at last succeeded as the Voice of Night Vale and have therefore been re-educated out of all my memories of my internship in case I know too many things about too many people.

Please do not let that put you off. In any case, now that you are a part of the NVCR family, station management will not let you go without a fight. Believe me, they will win. I tried to leave after the first week when the incumbent Voice of Night Vale screamed herself hoarse at me over some silly error and made me broadcast that week's advertising material after I brought her a cup of her favourite lavender tea with honey. Oh gods, the terrible jingles will never leave me. Never. Anyway, she said I had the perfect voice for radio. No, not perfect, she said my voice was "startling" and would "make people sit up." I think that is a good thing.

I was so scared that I tried to leave but the bloodstone doors refused to let me out. Station Management intervened. Once I had stopped screaming and crying and after I cleaned up the mess I made of the floor in the foyer I realised what a silly fool I had been and offered my most sincere apologies for my immature behaviour. To their credit, both The Voice and Station Management accepted my grovelling with good grace and allowed me to continue.

I have been an intern here for about eight months now. The tablets down at City Hall said I should work here to prepare me for my destiny but were a little vague about what that destiny entails. My mother encouraged me despite the dangers because working here got me out of being sent to Franchia to help Europeans kill each other. 

"Better the hot death you always expect but don't see coming in a warm station with your colleagues than the surprise cold death you suddenly see at the wrong end of a pointy stick in a wheat-field where everybody talks foreign. And you're so handsome, my boy, that they'll send you in first to try to charm them into peace."

She had such a way with words. Everybody says I get that from her, gods rest her soul if she has one. 

I have survived to be the longest serving intern. I will continue to survive. That is my destiny.

Intern Benjamin went to the library after I told him The Voice wanted the latest Asimov, but did not return.

Intern Bess took The Voice the wrong kind of tea. It is always lavender and honey. I suggested that The Voice might like to try lemon and ginger for a change. She did not and threw the cup into the void after Bess.

Intern Ford took a wrong turning in the basement. He may still be there but is likely to have starved by now. I will look for him when I return the signs I dutifully removed for cleaning a couple of weeks ago before telling him that The Voice had a hankering for some of the soft furnishings down in storage to lighten the mood of the studio.

Intern Malika expired earlier today after I found her putting something in my sandwich bag at lunchtime. It was a scorpion. I removed it carefully and placed it in her wide open mouth as she screamed. I have a way with such creatures.

That is how it is. There is one Voice of Night Vale. One day she will have to retire and I will be there with a sedating cup of lavender and honey tea, a heavy hardcover copy of the _Foundation Trilogy_ and a shovel to ease the ex-Voice into her space along the back wall of the break room. I have loosened the soil already.

That is, after all, the final duty of a successful intern. I wish you good luck.

Leonard Flynn Burton


	3. Intern Cecil

Oh wow, I can't believe I've been asked to write an entry for the handbook! This is just so NEAT! Such an honor. I know I have a prophecy so I don't have to be quite as proactive as Mr Burton was in securing early promotion but I sure would love more opportunity to broadcast. Mr Burton, he says to call him Leonard but that makes me a little uncomfortable. It seems a bit too forward, right? I mean the man is old enough to be my grandfather and he's my boss so I should be respectful and formal and professional when I speak about him. If he wants me to call him Leonard to his face then of course I will do so without hesitation. To go against the wishes of The Voice is like saying "keep my internship at NVCR? No thanks, I'd rather die in horrible pain."

And he is just so awesome to work with. What a brilliant broadcaster he is! He is "The Voice" of course and that gives him a certain dignity but the way he speaks, those high pitched nasal tones were just made for radio. The way his voice grates over the airwaves just insists that his listeners sit up and take notice of every last thing he says! And he looks so professional too. You can't see him when he's broadcasting but he is so smart in that...

Oh, apparently I am supposed to be recording my experiences as a surviving intern for the newest intern to transcribe. That will be her first duty. She's here now, hello intern Diane! My handwriting isn't good ever since an accident with glass from a broken mirror, apparently my wrist tendons are weakened from the wounds. But I am okay and so is my brother. Mom took him off to live somewhere else a few months ago and I stayed because I love Night Vale and I love my job and I'm legally old enough at sixteen to do all sorts of things, but not everything. Earl helps out too, he's seventeen and just the best friend a young man could have. He's a scout leader, he is going to be Scout Master. How exciting! Sometimes we...

What? Oh I am so sorry. I went off topic again, didn't I?

Um, right. Mr Burton is so helpful in making sure I get the best professional start to my career. He calls me out on every little mistake, corrects every single fault in my work. Believe me, there are so many! But I think as time passes at varying rates I am getting better. Mr Burton is a great teacher and such a perfectionist. He refuses to let any errors slip past and often makes me stay all night just to get things right for him next day. Last week he made me record the same message over and over and over until I had it just so. I still have it going through my head: _die gross pal mer..._ I think it was an advert for something European. Oh, oh! I would love to go to Europe! Wouldn't a gap year be just NEAT! I've heard so much about Franchia and Svitz and Luftnarp and so many other strange and exciting places! Mr Burton says it is a good idea to broaden my horizons and maybe look for opportunities elsewhere... but travel is expensive so I will probably just stay here in Night Vale and...

Sorry, I did it again. Okay, Interning experiences. Got it. There are not many other interns here. I've been here the longest, just over a year now. 

There was Harry who disappeared after Mr Burton asked me to find out from Big Rico where the money came from to renovate his rooftop restaurant and I was busy practising my voice so I sent Harry to Rico's to ask. Rico sure is a nice guy. Every time Mr Burton goes for his weekly slice Rico lets him have it for free and Mr Burton is sure to say thank-you on his next show and talk about how good the pizza tasted. 

Then we had Margaret. I don't think Mr Burton liked her much, he kept buying her perfume and make up. I thought it was odd because she didn't smell bad and she was pretty but she wore it anyway. Mr Burton called her a naughty girl quite often and she would get upset. One day a couple of older women came and took her away somewhere. I asked Mr Burton what happened to Margaret but he just said that interns should be more careful with their calendars. I don't have a calendar, do you think I should get one?

What? Oh. Oh no. No. Oh poor Margaret. Is she okay? Oh. Oh dear. What about... well that's something at least. What did she call it? Oh, isn't that Mr Burton's middle name too? Such a coincidence! Wow, Diane, how do you know so much gossip?

Next we had Intern Paul. He was nice but Earl didn't like him much. Paul died in an accident in the break room. We got a new coffee machine, a big shiny one like they have at the Moonlight. Mr Burton set it up himself. He is so clever! Once it was finished he went to broadcast his show and buzzed for coffee but I was stuck in the bathroom dealing with an attack of cistern-serpents and shouted for Paul to go make Mr Burton's coffee. We should totally get a cat to catch the serpents in there. It is getting out of hand. What? The coffee machine exploded and plastered most of Paul over most of the back wall. His liver landed on the previous Voice's headstone. Mr Burton said it was a fitting tribute, apparently she drank to forget and had a lot of unwanted memories. 

So it's just you and me, Diane! Oh we will have such fun working together. Diane? What are you doing? Put that do...

Cecil Gershwin Palmer

p.s. It's Cecil again, sorry about the shaky writing but Diane tried to hit me with Mr Burton's new electronic mixing desk. It was still plugged in from when he asked me to start testing it but Diane interrupted and said I had to record this piece. When she yanked it over her head the wires came out and she got electrocuted. Such poor quality manufacturing! I explained to Mr Burton about the terrible accident then got another space ready in the break room and by the time I started transcribing my own recording my hands were really tired and my scars ached. 

I had better take Mr Burton his coffee after his show. I made it extra special tonight. For Margaret and her little Tamika Flynn. I think the first thing I will do as The Voice is look for her, she will need a friend.


	4. Interns Chad & Jerry

Chad: Hi

Jerry: Hi

Chad: Is this on? Is it recording?

Jerry: Yes, look the little red light is on.

Chad: Oh, so it is. How will the new guy know who is speaking?

Jerry: (laughs) Chad's the bass.

Chad: Jerry's the choirboy (slapping noise) Ow!

Jerry: Come on, the sooner we do this the sooner we can get on with important things.

Chad: Like making coffee and running errands for college credits.

Jerry: Right. That coffee machine is pure evil. Nearly lost a foot yesterday.

Chad: We have to talk about our experience of interning and offer advice to the new guy.

Jerry: (Laughs) Run! Run away!

Chad: (laughs) Seriously, shut up. You'll get sent to Station Management and it's not like getting sent to the principal's office. It's bad if that happens.

Jerry: Sorry. I'll be serious.

Chad: I've been an intern for five months. Jerry started a couple of weeks after me so I'm the longest serving intern.

Jerry: For now (laughs)

Chad: Shut up, idiot. We decided to team up and that's working pretty well for us so far. 

Jerry: Yeah, we look out for each other. Brothers.

Chad: (giggles) Twins.

Jerry: I remember the day I started. You met me in reception, showed me the break room memorials and asked how long I planned to live. I thought you were deranged but a couple of days later Intern Mark...

Chad: ...gods rest his soul.

Jerry: ...Intern Mark went out to represent the station at a cook-out as the longest serving intern. And when he got there... 

Chad: ...there had been an error in translation. They didn't want someone to attend the cook-out, they wanted...

Jerry: ...someone to be the cook-out.

Chad: Fucking alien reptile overlord bastards.

Jerry: Chad! Language!

Chad: Sorry. I liked Mark.

Jerry: So did the fucking alien reptile overlord bastards. They asked if he had any relatives.

Chad: We've done well so far. Teaming up has been good for us both. We can swap shifts and compare notes when The Voice asks for weird stuff.

Jerry: Like that time he wanted me to talk to some scientist for him. Chad was off duty and did a recce to make sure it wasn't a trap. 

Chad: It wasn't. I don't think The Voice is like that but I've heard stories about the guy before him! Urgh.

Jerry: The scientist was really nice. Quiet, but explained stuff patiently. Wish my science teacher was as... 

Chad: Oh don't let The Voice hear you talk about the scientist like that! If he's the jealous type he'll find a way to get rid of you! And that would be a shame. The next intern might not want to do tag-team survival.

Jerry: No, he's okay. He hasn't tried to kill either of us. Not deliberately anyway.

Chad: There was that time with the Glow Cloud when he sent us out to get pictures and a live report?

Jerry: Yeah, but how was he to know that the dead animals would get bigger? You dodged that bison pretty well and I don't think the alligator was actually aimed at me. 

Chad: Freezer is still full. Your folks need anything for the barbecue?

Jerry: No, we're fine. Swap you for a chunk of reindeer if you like. 

Chad: Mmm I can tell my little sister it's Rudolph if she pisses me off.

Jerry: (laughs) Man you are a horrible person.

Chad: You've met my sister.

Jerry: Yes. I see your point.

Chad: Okay, who else have we loved and lost?

Jerry: Oh, Marian! She was weird though. Hardly spoke.

Chad: I caught her putting vodka in The Voice's coffee on her second day. Said she wanted him fired so she could go for his job. I didn't tell him but I switched her inhaler for pepper spray.

Jerry: Yeah, she died of an asthma attack.

Chad: (shrugs) Oh well. What use would a Voice who doesn't talk have been anyway?

Jerry: Fair comment. Remember Intern Gagandeep?

Chad: (laughs) Hell yes. What an idiot! You told me you saw him rewiring the mixing desk in the producer's booth before I was due to use it for practice. The Voice has his own mixing desk but he was teaching me to be his producer. I had to isolate the whole room to sort out the mess. Complete rewire. 

Jerry: All the spare electrical cable came in useful later although we could have done what we did with just a couple of feet.

Chad: And I got to show off my electrical skills to Station Management.

Jerry: That puts you ahead of me in this game, for now.

Chad: Still got your back, buddy.

Jerry: I know. Thanks.

Chad: Want to get a drink later? It'll have to be coffee because I can't pass for over twenty-one yet unless...

Jerry: ...I have ID so I can get us some beer and we can go to my place and play games.

Chad: Great. Let's wrap this up. Advice for the newby?

Jerry: Make friends. Assume everybody is out to kill you. 

Chad: Get to them first. 

Jerry: So, see you later?

Chad: Yeah, I have an errand to run before I see you. There's a new sports shop. The Voice wants a tennis racquet.

Jerry: Why?

Chad: (shrugs) Not my place to question when it gives me an excuse to leave early and claim my bus fare on expenses.

Jerry: (Laughs) Come here you...

Chad: (giggles) stop that, we're still on tape!

Jerry: So what. I don't care who knows.

Chad: You're impossible.

Jerry: No, _you're_ impossible

Chad: Your mom's impossible.

Jerry: Go get that tennis racquet then and be at my place soon. My mom is _out_ but until this is transcribed you're not.

Chad: maybe we should rewind and tape over the last bit, but...

Jerry: ...gotta do it sometime.

 **Chad & Jerry**

 

Jerry: So Chad never came to my place that night. He went to the sports shop, Intern Jenny saw him go in and waited for him to come out so she could steal the tennis racquet and push Chad in front of a bus or something and take credit for the errand herself, but he did not come out. She stayed until the store closed and the staff came out and drove off in a fleet of black sedans.

Jerry: Of course I killed her for that. She was going to hurt my beautiful Chad. 

Jerry: (quiet whimper)

Jerry: I still got your back, buddy.

Jerry: Oh, The Voice needs me. He wants me to find out what Station Management are upset about. Hey new intern, Jerry Hartman here. Want to team up?


	5. Intern Leland

Hi new intern, My name is Leland and I have been an intern here at NVCR for about three weeks. I am going to tell you how I have been settling in. The other interns are real nice. There's Stacey who has been here the longest, a few months I think but I don't know exactly how many, and there was a nice guy called Jerry but I have not seen him around lately. I guess he moved on.

The first thing you should do is come and say hi, of course, then learn to use the coffee machine. The Voice likes good coffee and if you don't treat the coffee machine right... well. You don't get good coffee, you get a patch of void under your feet. Let me tell you I learned to jump real quick! On my first day Jerry showed me what to do and held my arm just in case I made a mistake. The void really sucks, you'd expect it just to be a patch of nothing but it pulls like I imagine quicksand to be like.

Lots of weird stuff happens around the station but don't worry, you'll get used to it soon enough. I laugh when I think that three weeks ago I would have run away screaming from the spiderwolf in the basement! But he's a sweetie really as long as he's well fed. Stacey sent me to meet him on my third day here. Good thing I had her pet dog in my backpack, she loved him so much and I wanted to give her a surprise by bringing him to work for her to pet between duties. Jerry said I should stay out of her way for a while, but she still seems nice. She made me lunch last week, but I followed Jerry's advice and pretended to eat it. Later I pretended to fall over choking, held my breath for as long as I could and jumped up yelling GOTCHA! when Stacey came to check my pulse. She's such a joker!

My mom thinks the intern job is great, she's real happy about that but I wish she would stop using it to drive a wedge between my brother and me. It's not his fault he has not found a job yet. He's only twelve, mom, give him another year to sort himself out. 

I better go, Stacey says The Voice is calling for me and I have to go see what he needs. He's a bit odd but real nice if you make good coffee and stick around if he's freaking out. Not everybody notices but sometimes there's a shift in his voice, just a little, and it's like he goes off on a bad trip. I wonder what happened to him? It seems to help if I just stay there quiet, lurk nearby so he knows he's not alone in the universe. 

Coming! Jeez, Stacey, on my way.

Really gotta go. I have to find out from City Hall if the shape in front of the station can be moved because it's blocking the loading bay and the disabled parking spaces. Back in a flash...

**Leland**


	6. Intern Stacey

Hey it's Stacey here. I don't know why I'm bothering with this, they only get transcribed when an intern _moves on_ as they call it. I know exactly what that means and I am not _moving on_ until I choose to.

I checked the station archives. The only person so far who survived as an intern longer than me is Cecil. Ooooh the shock! Not _The Voice_ or _Mister Palmer,_ no. I call him Cecil and he's okay with that. It's just his name. I don't think he notices what the interns call him as long as we do our jobs properly.

Anyway, the station archives are very interesting.

After Leonard Burton _retired due to an unexpected attack of sudden painful writhing toxic death_ right there in the studio, Cecil took over. His voice wasn't ready, the records say, but he worked on it ceaselessly. He still didn't manage to lose the deep comforting tones he naturally slips into and achieve Leonard Burton's idea of perfection and I think he gave up after a few weeks when people started calling in to say they liked his voice. It is nice. I could listen all day if only he didn't talk such utter shit.

No hero worship from me. I can see what he is. He's... ah fuckit. Fuck. He's so damn sexy and he's never going to notice me and that _hurts_ y'know? 

Unlike most interns, I do not want to be the next Voice of Night Vale. I want to learn all I can here then move on. There are excellent career opportunities in other towns. I have a letter from a company in Desert Bluffs asking if I'd like to join their office in the interior decor section. I am tempted.

It is the last job of the most successful intern to retire The Voice and take over. I couldn't help Cecil to retire even if he begged me to do it. I don't want to admit to it but I might as well. He's just so... infuriating! I know he's way too old for me although at nineteen I'm older than average for an intern but he acts real nice towards me, learned my name the day I started, made me pose for a selfie with him and gave me a hug when the photocopier tried to bite me. Sure he is probably the same with all the interns but... Ah shit, I have a stupid crush on my boss. He must never, ever know.

So how did I get to be the longest serving intern. Well.

There were Chad and Jerry, I can't think of one of them without the other. They were so sweet it was a shame, I mean Chad's disappearance was nothing to do with me but Jerry should've known to be suspicious when I told him it was his turn to go knock on the door of Station Management. Y'know, looking back on it, I think he wanted it. For all I know now Chad might be sitting in the passenger seat of a black sedan and Jerry might be signing my next contract. There were no bodies.

Leland started just after Chad vanished. I can't believe that little shit fed my pet dog to the spiderwolf in the basement. I tried to poison him once but he had been warned and got me back by pretending to be dead and jumping up at me when I went to finish the job. I was planning something involving cable ties and my powertools in the garage at home, lure him there with the promise of barbecue, have a bit of fun then a hog-roast. But something else got him first. Ah well, I've stored the idea for another opportunity.

I got rid of the competition pretty easily after Leland. He taught me to be sneakier. There was, hang on I wrote their names down. It seemed respectful. Oh yes, Intern Nico. What an arrogant asshole. I hid the handbook from him so he didn't know how to operate the coffee machine. Bye bye asshole, hello void. On his first day, too. He didn't even make it into Cecil's selfie-with-intern album.

Next was Intern Nisham. She was cool, you could tell she knew all the right things to wear despite the shapeless intern uniform. I gave her two weeks and when she hadn't tried to get rid of me I thought she was just being rude. I took her on a tour of the abandoned studios. She's still in booth eighteen, overseeing the "cooking on a budget" show that has been looping since nineteed fifty three. I check on her now and then.

Intern Callum was next. He was okay, waited a week before coming after me. I caught him tampering with my car brakes so I used a mattock to tamper his head off his shoulders.

Intern Irene took over. She was competent and efficient, had the handbook read overnight and chose her best spot for maximum productivity. Jeez, Irene, back off! She fell for the oldest trick ever. _Hey Irene, you're about the same height as The Voice, I got this big wooden box he's supposed to fit in, it's a thing don't ask me ask him if you dare... but can you see if you fit then I'll know how to make _him_ fit?"_ Anyway, Intern Irene let me nail her into the coffin and bury her in the break room. The muffled bumps stopped after a couple of days.

Who, let me see, umm, I think it was Intern Alicia next or perhaps it was John. They arrived within days of each other and seemed to like each other. I caught them making out in Cecil's booth one night after he had left to go stalk that ugly scientist. Well. That's just rude. John was sitting in Cecil's chair and Alicia was straddling his lap and they were totally oblivious to me as I tried to remove the used coffee cups and empty the wastebasket. I turned on the webcam as I left. Quite a show. You do see that they had to be punished for that, don't you? I made it look like they got each other. I left a bottle of wine in Alicia's locker with a heart on the label (Yes a real one, duh) and a hypodermic of something interesting administered through the cork. I put a carefully prepared hand-tied box of chocolates in John's locker, each one medicated. 

The two substances I chose would interact with each other in the bloodstream. They snuck off down to one of the basement rooms with their gifts. They are still there, I gave it an hour then checked they were immobile and bricked up the doorway.

There are a few more names in my book but they give you a word limit here. Maybe if they let me I'll tell you about Harry and Fiona and Raeesa and Pat and the rest of them. There's a new intern coming next week. Her name's Dana. I will greet her at the front desk and offer her a tour of the building. The view from the transmitter tower is spectacular. 

_**Stacey** _


	7. Intern Dana or her [DELETED]

Hi, welcome to Night Vale Community Radio. My name is Dana Cardinal and I have been an intern here for a while. I'm not really sure exactly how long because I might not be Dana, It is a little confusing but I might be [DELETED]. Whichever version of Dana I am, I am alive because I [DELETED] with a stapler and the Other Dana did not.

But that's not important now. What matters is that you are here, starting out on an exciting career in radio with us at NVCR. 

I couldn't believe it when Station Management told me that I am the longest serving intern now and I have to record a message for you to listen to and transcribe when the time comes for you to do that. It feels like no time at all since I transcribed Intern Stacey's handbook entry. Have you read it? I recommend that you should, she was so full of life and probably still is. 

On the day I arrived, Stacey gave me a tour just like she said she would. She showed me the basement and the room where the stuffed spiderwolf is kept. It is a little creepy down there, with a couple of bricked-off store cupboards and a sickly smell of corruption. We did not linger. The studios were really interesting. You would not realise from outside that there are so many studios! Some of them are old and dusty with equipment from decades ago, but they still broadcast programmes from time to time.

Cecil's studio is maybe the second newest. Stacey says he prefers it although it is a little cramped and small, because he has always used it. According to Stacey, Mr Palmer says the bigger studio brings back memories of Mr Burton and he does not want to go there. Stacey introduced me to The Voice. He was strange, but nice. He made me pose for a picture and told me to call him Cecil. Stacey seemed a little grumpy for a while after that but she cheered up when she said it was time to look at the transmitter. 

Wow, the view from the top is just breathtaking. I held on for dear life as we climbed and climbed. Stacey was so brave, making the tower shake and shudder whilst I yelled in a mixture of fear and exhilaration. What an incredible feeling! To know that the metal lattice structure rising from the roof was supporting me and transmitting invisible information over the town. I could have stayed up there for hours. Stacey left me there after giving the structure one last shake to make sure it was safe and secure, and I stayed until I saw her drive away at the end of her shift before clambering back down and checking out the break-room.

It took me a couple of goes to get the hang of the coffee machine and the photocopier is fine as long as you just keep talking to it quietly. There are different jobs to do depending on which show is on. If it is The Voice, sorry, Cecil's show, mainly you will have to bring coffee, screen his calls and sometimes run errands if he wants something. He might ask you about proofreading his slashfic but that really isn't in the job description so it's up to you. 

Stacey and I got along really well from that first day. She liked Cecil a lot even though it was obvious that she just was not his type. I think she knew that because she never said anything. I made sure she knew that I was there for professional reasons only, it would be so silly for us to fall out over something unobtainable and, in my case [DELETED] but this is not important at all.

Stacey had all sorts of friendly surprises and tests for me to help my training along. One time she rigged up the producer's booth so that the door closed behind me and there was no handle on my side and the lights did not work. I could not call for help because interns have to leave their phones in their lockers during shifts. But I learned to be resourceful. I removed the window between the producer's booth and Cecil's studio with a pair of scissors and parts from a tape dispenser and got out that way.

We played such tricks on each other! I brought in a cake I baked myself, chocolate and [DELETED] flavour. To prove it was safe I let Stacey cut a piece for me and started eating it but I made myself sick afterwards. She had some during her break an hour later and took some to Cecil during his show. I was a little nervous, I had not expected her to do that. Stacey got all giggly and told me so many things she would rather not have. She had trouble with the coffee machine and almost ended up in the void but she saw the amusing side later. Funny, it had no noticeable effect on Cecil at all. His show was as normal as ever. 

In return, Stacey left a valentine card for me in my locker. I knew what it was without having to open it, something about the textured envelope gave its purpose away in time. I deliberately pressed the wrong buttons on the coffee machine and threw the valentine into the void patch where it exploded harmlessly. It backfired on Stacey because ever since the void has opened eight inches closer to the milk frother. She gave the most delightful squeal of laughter the next time she made cappuccino!

We both got silly after that. Stacey put sandwiches in my lunch bag and called the police. I rewired her car so that all the switches did the wrong things, if she wanted headlights she had to drive with her hand on the horn and the indicators operated the cassette player. After she had been cut out of the wreckage, we agreed to tone down our pranks, shook hands and hugged tightly.

Stacey told me several times about a job offer she had from what she called our _sister station_ in Desert Bluffs. I told her I thought she should stay here and that being an intern in their interior design team sounded like a short term option, but she wouldn't listen. One day she simply did not show up for work. I hope she made a good impression on her first day decorating the station in Desert Bluffs.

Stacey has two replacements coming soon, Richard and Paolo. It's my job to welcome them and show them the [DELETED].

**_Dana C_ **

_Edited for suitability by the Night Vale Mayoral Office Censor_


	8. Intern Vanessa

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Vanessa will do anything for her boss.

Hey friend! Welcome to Desert Bluffs Community Radio! you are ab-so- _lute_ -ly going to love it here. Everybody is smiling, we work hard and get rewarded. Well, they do say that hard work is its own reward, don't they? Don't they _just._ We're all adults here, the intern programme at DBCR is not for children. We have to be able to operate fancy machinery and handle raw meat and stuff. So it's not so much for college credits as for life experience and a step on the first rung of the Strex ladder.

So, friend, My name is Vanessa and I'm the longest serving intern here at DBCR. My boss is called Kevin, he's the Voice of Desert Bluffs and he's super, super nice. He has a lovely voice, I can totally see why... ha ha, I mean _hear_ why he's such a radio star. He's on All. The. Time. When he's not broadcasting his live show you can catch reruns of older shows or some of the specials he records. My favourites are _Desert Bluffs: Why You Can Never Leave_ and _The Strex Factor_ which is a talent show. I went on it once, that's when Kevin saw me and offered me an internship. He said I had a peculiar talent.

Well, I say he _saw_ me but I'm not sure what he gets from those beautiful, black, empty eye sockets is exactly _sight_ Perhaps _vision_ might be closer. Lauren, who sometimes manages the station, wanted Kevin to stitch up his eye sockets because they creep her out but they are such a striking feature of his lovely face. I'm glad he refused. He's a big enough personality to get his own way here at the station most of the time.

Okay, I have to tell you about your duties. Kevin trained me to work in the producer's booth next door. It's really techy in there, all black snaky cables and shiny silver knobs and gleaming electronics with just a hint of viscera to keep it all nice. Every time I go in I say "hello Stacey" and imagine that the teeth embedded in the wall are smiling back at me. And you know, from a certain angle I think they are! Stacey wasn't really a DB girl. She didn't like to smile.

I love working in the producer's booth. I get to sit in there with my glistening headphones on and a little mic and I can listen to Kevin talk on his show and watch him through the window. We have a little set of signs we use for things, like if he wants fresh coffee or lungs or maybe if he's feeling lonely and wants me to find him an intern to keep him company during the adverts or if he wants me to sit beside him and massage his joints with warmed blood.

You need to know not to use it straight from the fridge. Room temperature is okay if it's hot out but the studio is air conditioned. From the fridge give a cupful about twenty seconds in the microwave on full power then stir and give it five more seconds. Test it against your lip, it should be the same temperature. Leave the blood on your lip, Kevin likes to know you've tested it correctly. Once he kissed the bloodstain off my lip so gently I didn't spill a drop of my own blood! Oh my heart nearly exploded out of my chest at that! But Lauren told him off and said she would move me to intern for her instead if it happened again, so we just have sex in the break room instead. If he kisses you don't pull away, it'll tear. Just lean in and give as good as you get. 

So yeah, about the break-room, you'll have to go somewhere else. I'm absolutely fine with you having sex with the boss, just not in my space unless I invite you. Kevin respects that boundary too. Intern Stacey was really rude about it, she said she was going to Lauren to complain, that's why her teeth are embedded in my wall. Kevin thought it was hilarious, said he wished he'd got a fly-on-the-wall view of her expression as she bit the plaster hard with her grumpy face wide open, my sharpened paperknife, the one that made her smile at last, behind her neck and my fingers... oh you don't need to know all the details. She was smiling wide at the end at least. 

And, of course, whatever Kevin decides to do in his own studio when Lauren is not around is entirely up to him and I would never criticise. He caught me watching from the producer's booth once and I think he liked it. He signalled me to put the headphones on and turned on the sound. Wow he's good, the noise he made that intern make as he pushed him over the mixing desk... Just wow. Do I make noises like that I wonder? I made Stacey make a noise like that before she joined the interior decor department. Kevin was extra nice to me in the break room afterwards. I think he enjoyed being the spectator for a change.

Lauren is okay once you accept she comes as a double act with her Daniel. She likes to decorate almost as much as Kevin does so if they are together it is probably a good idea to go smile at someone else until they have satisfied their urge to refresh the dribbling streamers that hang from the ceiling fan and make such pretty pattens on the walls. Lauren asked me to help out once but Kevin sent me on an errand instead. I guess he didn't want to share his creative moment. Daniel is no good at decorating, he just does not appreciate all those different shades. Crimson, scarlet, vermilion, claret, damson, all streaked on a background of sunflower and tangerine. Beautiful.

I'm not sure all of my activities count as intern duties, exactly. I'm pretty sure some of them are privileges. I mean, he will kiss you I'm sure unless you can't smile, and even then if the mood takes him he'll find a way to make you smile and use you in the studio, but he acts different with me. When he smiles at me it's like... not so wide? His sockets pull me in and I want to touch him, but not like I touched Stacey. I would not damage those beautiful, dangerous teeth. It's like... when he's around me I stare at him all the time and I can feel his eye sockets on me too. Even when I watch him play with the other interns in his studio when he takes a break from recording, or once during his live show, he said that was a delicious little treat just for me, I can tell he's teasing me, watching my reaction. And later in the break room? Well. We'll take it slow, draw it out. 

Unless we can hear Lauren clickclacking down the corridor. Once he hid me under him! I have no idea how he did it. He was _on_ me and _in_ me, you know? We were on the big sofa under a blanket and he pulled it around us, pushed my face down between the cushions and pretended to be asleep until she finished with the coffee machine and went away. I mean really, _nobody_ uses the break room but us! Who even takes breaks? All the time the coffee machine was hissing and spitting in the background, my lovely Kevin was making snoring noises and thrusting real slowly and gently into me. Smiling god it was amazing. I came just as the machine hissed its loudest. Good thing my face was stifled by the sofa. He kissed me really carefully after that and did something weird, he apologised in case he had hurt me! As if! So I rolled over on top for a change and rode him until he came so hard he almost cried blood. He bit my finger after that and licked the blood off, said I tasted lovely.

Oh he's calling for me. It's time to do his live show so I will be in the producer's booth (hello again Stacey). Apparently there's a sandstorm that Strex made and we have to test it out first before they send it over to Night Vale. We are to be very close neighbours in the near future. And won't that be such fun! 

 

**Vanessa x**

_Chapter inserted by L. Mallard for recruitment purposes_


	9. Intern Richard

Hi, Intern Richard here. I became the longest current Intern after Dana went for a walk in the dog park. It's a real shame, I liked Dana. She was nice to me. She told me the day I arrived that I was taking over from Intern Stacey whose boots are too big for just me to fill and sure enough a couple of weeks later Paolo started. He's only fifteen, I'm seventeen and going to college soon as I get enough credits. I'm going to study _Botany with Necromancy_. It's not the most popular combination but the botany professor is really hot. I don’t know why Dana went into the dog park, she doesn’t even have a dog. 

She showed me some of the tricks I’d need just to survive my first week. Like where to stand when operating the coffee machine so that I didn’t lose a foot or worse to the Void and what to whisper to the photocopier to persuade it not to bite and, quite important, how to provide constructive criticism of The Voice’s slashfic safely. I think there are themes in it that I might not _get_ , having not encountered them yet in everyday life. It is certainly interesting in places and I usually take it home to edit so that I can have a little privacy because… well… whatever. I don’t think I should delegate copyediting to Paolo, even though he is obsessed with sharks the way my five year old nephew is obsessed with dinosaurs. He’s fifteen. Oh I said that already. He is also a little strange, but in a nice way. Takes things literally so if he’s still here be careful what you say. On his first day I told him that The Voice likes his coffee five minutes before his show starts so Paolo waits by the machine and counts down to get the timing perfect. It’s kind of cute.

The Voice asked me to call him Cecil like Dana does, or did, but it feels weird. Like calling your teacher by their first name. Paolo calls him Cecil. He says the name a lot, Cecil-this and Cecil-that, I think he really looks up to Mr Palmer. I mean, he does everything he’s asked to do straight away without complaint. But it’s odd that he hardly ever actually talks to Mr Palmer, barely makes eye contact even.

Did you know there’s a floating cat in the men’s bathroom? At least Mr Palmer calls it a cat. I’m not sure Cecil is at all familiar with felines. I’d call it cat-like. Also slightly dragonish and maybe a little demonic. Well, whatever it is, keep your hands clear of the spine ridges and don’t let it bite you. Man, that takes weeks to heal. Also, do not take photographs of it. I saw what happened to Intern Anna. It wasn’t nice, I mean you couldn’t have had an open casket wake after that. Unless you were fascinated by internal anatomy of course. I think the automatic flash might have spooked it and made it lash out. It has a surprising reach.

So Mr Palmer asked Paolo to go investigate the new forest that has sprung up on the edge of town. He has to take recordings because people have reported hearing the trees talk to them. I told Paulo that I was going to do it since I will be studying trees at college soon and I had more background knowledge. I think I will make my own news item, you know, record the trees and record my observations from the forest and edit it all together properly when I get back. I told Paolo that I would show him how to upload sound flies and edit them on the computer when I get back.

I hope Mr Palmer likes my work, he’s a good boss really and I’m looking forward to a quiet few moments with his latest slashfic.

**Richard**


	10. Intern Paolo

Um, are you sure? Okay, I know I counted the weeks but I want to be sure that you know and have not made a mistake. 

I am Paolo, the longest serving intern. I have not been here long, but longer than anyone else which is what matters. Richard was the longest serving intern but he got lost in the forest. Before Richard was Dana and before Dana was Stacey... what? Okay. I like lists. Before Stacey was... Okay! 

I started here five weeks and three days ago. Richard met me at the front desk because he was being desk intern that day and he showed me around. He showed me how to work the coffee machine safely and I practised until I knew exactly where and when the void would appear and I timed with my stopwatch exactly how long it took to make all of the drinks with all of the combinations of sugar and milk and tequila that the machine can make so that I know when I need to start pressing the buttons to have a drink ready for the right person at the right time. I timed how long it takes me to walk at a safe pace from the coffee machine to the studio so when Cecil says he wants me to bring coffee five minutes before his show I can do that precisely. 

I like making drinks at the machine. I know all of the combinations and when I meet the next intern I will make sure I tell them how it all works in enough detail so that everyone can have their drinks on time. I tried to teach Richard but he was quite rude and talked over me, held up his hand and said I should write a book about it. I might, I like books although I am not allowed many of them.

Cecil is nice, I like him a lot. He asks me to do things I like doing. Apart from the coffee, he asked me to find out exactly how long it takes Lauren to walk from her office to his studio first in flats then in heels and he sometimes tells me to sit near her office and call his phone if she comes out. One ring for flats, two for heels. He gave me his private phone number just for that but he says I am not to call him for any other reason.

He tells me to do his photocopying too. I don't like the photocopier as much as the coffee machine. It doesn't seem to do as much and when I tried to find out about all its settings it bit me. I lost half a finger but I still have nine and a half and that's enough. I copy his stories that he writes and give them back. He gives a copy to Richard and Richard says rude things about them but in a nice way. Richard thinks I don't know that he takes them home to read. I do too, I make an extra copy and if I press the right buttons the photocopier doesn't tell that I made extra. I love to read and I love sharks and most of Cecil's stories are about a shark and the people who are hunting it. Usually they have sex a lot and die. Sometimes it's funny and sometimes it makes me feel funny.

I like Cecil, he's nice to me. He doesn't laugh at me when I can't talk or when I can't stop talking about something. Sometimes I just need to get it out, whatever list is in my head. I have to get through it to the finish then I'm okay. Richard says I talk about Cecil too much and he thinks I'm weird. That's okay, lots of people think I'm weird. My mum thinks it, and my teachers. Tamika doesn't, she's not my girlfriend she's too young and I'm not really into girls yet, but she reads a lot and we talk about books. I have not told her about Cecil's stories. They're private. I have not told Cecil's friend Carlos either. He's nice, he came here once when I was on my desk duty shift and we talked about lists of things until Cecil finished his show and they went home. I listed all the different kinds of sharks I know and he told me another I could add to my list although strictly speaking _megalodon_ is extinct so shouldn't count. Still, I wonder if I should tell Cecil all about megalodon? He might put it in one of his stories.

I want to ask Cecil to write a story for me but I'm too embarrassed. When I think about it I get all hot and sweaty and I can't look at him and something funny happens in my stomach. I think I know what it is, I asked my sister and she laughed at me. She usually doesn't. She said I was in love. But that's silly, one day I will fall in love and it will be like it is in the books I read. They wouldn't write lies. 

I'm an intern here for college credits. I don't want to be the next Voice like Cecil, I want him to be the Voice forever. Nobody could be as good at it as he is. Sometimes he reads out lists and I wonder if he does it because he knows I like lists. One time Tamika wrote a list and gave it to me for Cecil to read out. That was funny. I will get extra college credits if I join the summer reading programme this year. I like how I can get extra credits just for doing something I like doing anyway. I have to read books, keep a list and talk about them. It starts tomorrow at the library. Tamika will be there too so I will have a friend.

Cecil says I should try writing too, he says it's fun and good for "letting off steam" whatever that means. I think he "lets off steam" a lot with Carlos. I'd like to let off steam with Cecil.

**Paolo**


	11. Intern Dylan

Hi I'm Intern Dylan, I became the longest serving intern after Paolo disappeared I didn't really know him, we met once on the day I started because he had come in to pick up his stuff for the summer reading programme. He seemed like an okay guy, young and kind of intense, you know?

So I stared here a few weeks ago. There wasn't anyone to show me around so I read the handbook and stuff and experimented with the coffee machine and the photocopier. They're fine once you get the knack and as long as your reflexes are good you shouldn't have any problems with them. Another intern, Vithya, started a couple of weeks after me and I showed her what to do once I'd figured it out. 

We alternate between desk duty and Voice duty. We talked about our future plans, as you do when you're collecting college credits, and we are going to the same college. I'm applying for a masters in Crude Journalism while Vithya says she wants to study Unusual Divinity. But we both want to end up working in radio so we get a bit competitive. The station manager, Lauren, says competition between employees is good because it raises productivity. 

I don't know why she cares, I mean, it's not like we get paid money. I pointed this out to her and she said she might look into getting some more interns. Sure enough, three more interns arrived after a week and the caretaker got fired. Yes, _fired_. We have a very efficient incinerator in the basement now. The caretaker used to live here all the time so the three new interns are on eight hour shifts. They meet to hand over their locker key and that's about it. I've spoken to each of them at some point to find out if they also want to work in radio permanently. They do! But as presenters, not janitors.

Well. We can't all take over from The Voice, can we?

Look, there are different levels of intern. There have to be. Vithya and I are at the top of course because we look after Mr Palmer, the three caretaker interns are at the bottom. Between there are a couple of interns who work in the offices. You know, admin and PR and sales and whatnot. Now I think on it, there are a lot of interns and a lot of paid staff were _fired_ or _sacked_ or _let go._ The caretaker intern on duty had to clear up after one incidence of _letting go_ from the top of the transmitter mast. Urgh. Imagine a watermelon... No, maybe you shouldn't.

So Vithya and I made a pact. With blood and everything, although not ours. We would pull together to deal with any intern who looked like they were climbing the ladder or had aspirations. And I must say we make a good team. We can deal with each other once it's just us left. I'll win, of course, she's too nice.

First to go were the caretaker interns. I didn't bother learning their names, I didn't expect them to be in their jobs long enough for it to be worth committing brain cells to that task. I got one of them towards the end of her nightshift. I came in early and offered her help to put her mops and stuff away. As soon as we were in the janitor's room with the door shut I hit her across the head with the mop handle. She looked so surprised! It was messy, I didn't get a clean hit so she had a chance to fight back. She grabbed the mop handle and yanked it out of my hands, getting in a retaliatory swipe. But by that time I had grabbed the bottle of no-rinse floor cleaner and sprayed it in her face. She let out the most horrible scream and scratched at her eyes until they watered and then bled. I took the mop back from her, held it like a baseball bat and hit her on the side of the head with it until she fell and stopped twitching. I double-bagged the body and hefted it into the incinerator.

I got the dayshift caretaker intern the same day. I rewired the floor polisher and added a step-up transformer so his final duty of the day turned out to be exactly that. Final. I talked to the PR and admin interns, they all want to work in the PR and admin side of things so I'll ask Vithya to keep an eye on them but I don't think they're much of a threat yet. There's still the backshift caretaker to take care of, she's a slippery one.

One day I stayed late to get to know her a bit better, get to know her habits, you know? I took her coffee at break time, I made one with extra ingredients, but she wouldn't drink it. She comes to work by bike but she always checks her brake cables before she sets off. I tried changing some of the chemicals in the cleaning cupboard. That was partially successful, there was a lovely explosion and she spent a couple of weeks in hospital recovering from burns. She looks different and moves awkwardly but she's back at work now. I'm keeping a time-and-motion log of her productivity to present to Lauren. I expect she'll be _let go_ soon.

Vithya told Mr Palmer about my ambitions to be The Voice one day and about how proactive I am being in securing my position. He asked me a little about it and I saw no point in denying anything. He looked a little stern but I guess that's his job. I'll tell you more later. Mr Palmer wants me to go on a really important errand for him now. He specifically instructed me to take the subway to save time. I hope I'm as considerate towards _my_ interns after I kill him and take over.

**Dylan**


	12. Intern Vithya

Hi I'm Vithya. I'm interning here at Night Vale Community Radio for college credits, as I expect you are too. I want to be a radio journalist like Cecil. Well, not _quite_ like Cecil, if you see what I mean. He's great at his job but I'd do it differently. I'd make the news reports a little more straightforward and maybe talk less about my personal life. Now don't get me wrong, I love his show. It just isn't what I'd want to make. So I don't want to replace him. I want to be a different kind of voice for Night Vale: one that talks sense all the time. We could each have a show and not argue over who gets to report which stories. I'm sure he makes half of his up for fun just to see if anybody is paying attention.

I'm going to study _Unusual Divinity_ which is a little controversial, I know, but it is important that some people know about all the things we are not allowed to know about so that everybody can be safely uninformed about dangerous topics, like the hierarchy of angels, that totally do not exist. I'd learn about that so that I could, oh, excuse me.  
 _sounds of sniffing and whimpering in the background_  
I have no idea where that came from! Anyway, as I was saying, I could then safely underinform, uninform and misinform anyone who mentioned angels which do not exist... Sorry, I'm okay. Yes, I'll talk more about interning here and less about... Look, just give me five? Okay?

Ahem, right, I'm the longest serving intern now that Dylan got lost on the subway. He really was an arrogant little... what? You're kidding. I really can't say _prick_ on a recording? Isn't it up to the next intern to decide whether or not it's fit to transcribe? Oh well I take it back. He was a cocky little bastard. Is that better? No? Look, do you think that the name and the headwear mean I'm a little butter-wouldn't-fucking-melt-goody-goody? How the glowcloud do you think I got to this point in my career? Trotting in on the back of a fornicating unicorn?

Yeah, okay I'll watch my language. I'll stick to Unmodified Sumerian swearwords from now on. Sorry, really, I'm having a bad day. Keep bursting into tears for no reason then having uncontrollable rages. Nearly broke the photocopier's teeth this morning. Mind you, it was asking for it, refused to reproduce the word "cock" in Cecil's latest fic. I had a little sympathy but it kept substituting with "cactus" which kind of spoiled the whole effect of the farmyard scene. I mean _He let his cactus loose in the henhouse_ just doesn't make sense.

Interning. Yes. Great job if you can stick it, there's no formal training programme as such. You have to be really adaptable to do different jobs depending on what the Voice needs from you although there are more and more opportunities in different departments. You need a lot of personal qualities, transferrable skills. I'll try to give some examples.

Like good observation skills. I had to learn quickly when to duck after one of the janitor-interns set up a really clever trap in the locker room. I think it was for one of the other janitor-interns. There was a light sensor set in the wall at waist height and if you cast a shadow on it when you passed, a jet of ammonia would squirt out of a tube set into the vents of the next locker, just at face height. I got good at spotting the sensor and avoiding it by wriggling below the level of the light hitting it.

Also you have to be good at dealing with difficult people. Like Cecil. He's lovely really, but he's quite demanding and asks you to do all sorts of things that are probably not in your contract. By the way, it's best not to try asking for a copy. Management will have you _sacked_ for that and there is an actual sack. I've seen it. I think Cecil hates them, he had me add something to their lemonade during a management team bonding session. We all had an afternoon off that day! Made up for having to read his slashfic. Seriously, I'm pretty sure sharks can't be trained to do that.

Another transferable skill you'll develop is researching and fact checking for the show. Cecil hates to be proved wrong so he wants to be sure of what he is saying, even if he says it in a strange way. You might have to go to City Hall to check records, for example finding the home address and private number of registered dragons, or to the library to get him the latest books on science. He's really into science and if you think he's about to ask you to do something you can't be bothered with, like filing his carbon copies of boring super-detailed date reports, you can just start talking about the Moon or staple-guns or Angels... Oh here I go again.  
 _Sounds of quiet sobbing_

I have to go and look up details of some newcomer in town. Stay safe, don't touch the coffee machine until I've shown you which four buttons to press and don't trust the other interns. Except for me. I'm a little angel in comparison.  
 _whimpering sounds_

**Vithya**


	13. Intern Maureen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The intern who just won't stay dead.

I'm Maureen. Look, I've got better things to do than... Oh. I see. I suppose I have no alternative then.  
Right. I'm Maureen, I'm the longest serving intern here BY FAR and let me tell you it is a piece of sh... WHAT? You SAID you WANTED my opinion.  
Yeah, right. What _EVER._  
Okay, start over.

 _fake, bright breezy voice_  
Hi folks, Maureen here! Goodness me what a lovely place to work and isn't the boss a dream.  
 _mumbled_ Fucking nightmare.

I'm here for college credits. Oh, and maybe for some experience of working with people. My teachers say I'm not good at that. My last report was full of stuff like _forthright manner_ and _outspoken attitude_ and _not afraid to share her many opinions._ Well so what if my folks are now on first name terms with the principal and the student counsellor?  
OKAY I'll stick to the point.  
Working as an intern gives you experience in lots of areas. I have learned how to operate the coffee machine safely after a few false starts and I patched up the floor with a platform just above where the void appears so it's okay to step there now. So I learned to **think on my feet**  
Cecil likes coffee while he's working. In fact I can tell what he's working on by the type of coffee he asks for. If it's serious radio work he asks for plain black filter. Serious coffee. If he's thinking about Carlos he'll want a shot in an espresso cup, hold the coffee. If it's his slashfic he'll ask for something with flavoured syrup.

Yeah, about that. I got my first experience of copyediting his news reports. You know, just checking for grammar and stuff because I score well on English tests at school, sometimes basic fact checking on the weirder items. Sometimes I have to phone City Hall for that and I'm told my telephone manner has improved. I have not made a receptionist hang up or cry for a couple of weeks now.  
So you will learn **personal interaction skills**  
Once he saw I was handy with a red pencil he started slipping other things in to the editing pile. Personal stuff. I edited a letter to his landlord once. I sure don't want to be a radio presenter, the pay is... OKAY I know.  
Urgh. Whatever.  
So, as an intern, you will be expected to die a lot.

Not die many times, personally, once is enough for most folks, but there are just so many interns interred in the break room and along the back wall there's a space with Cecil's name already on it, next to Leonard Burton's and there's a blank space next to another blank space labelled _Where is Vithya?_ and something tells me that management is just itching to scratch my name into the wall there.  
I have almost died here several times.

The first was on a day when Cecil accidentally almost stopped time. People's hearts stopped and their lungs stopped working as the diffusion of gases in their alveoli slowed down so much that they were drowning in the hottest, driest air of the desert heatwave. Okay I know I can't blame Cecil for it, nothing was ever proved, but I just _know,_ alright?  
The second time was just a couple of weeks later when Cecil sent me to cover the open house event at the Community College since that's where I plan to go soon. "Get yourself known," he said. "Avoid the giant worms trying to eat you," he did not say.  
And the "ants" I had to sing to. Yeah, huge. And if I hit the wrong note they'd spray formic acid at me to help raise my pitch. Formicating little... OKAY I know. And then there was that whole thing with the oranges.

He _knew_ about the oranges. He knew. He had been reporting about them just before, talking about reporters blinking in and out of existence. And Adam from the Ralph's. Him too. SO he had plenty of evidence that the oranges were harmful and ignored it either because he really is that dense or because he wanted a new intern.  
He asked for orange juice then didn't want it. Well, I hate waste so I thought I'd have it instead. He could have stopped me from drinking the orange juice. But he did not, and I ended up blinking in and out of existence too. 

I was gone for months. Stuck in that awful desert.  
There were some good points, I met John Peters, you know, the real one? He's nice in a says-what-he-wants kind of way. And some angels who totally do exist whatever that radio buffoon says. And I met Dana, who is the most badass mayor the city could have. I mean, two armies, who else could have done that.  
So, yeah, I guess as an intern you'll learn **teamwork.**  
I had to learn.  
Maybe that's why I was stuck in that godsforsaken desert for so long.  


Once I got back I thought that was it. I'd be free. But I still needed college credits and, surprise surprise Cecil needed a new intern. Again. I gave him a piece of my mind and it just washed over him. Can he be so clueless about the fate of his interns?  
I really thought I was done with dying. My folks were pleased to see me although it was weird because they'd given me up for dead, mourned and moved on so I was a bit of an inconvenience and my little brother hated that he had to move back out of my room. Jeez I hope college has accommodation for me.  
I was wrong. Cecil sent me out to get some news quotations from ex-Mayor Winchell and I was totally blown away. No, really. Blown away. By a sudden whirlwind. Yes, a real one, you know, moving air?  
No, I am not telling you where I ended up. It's very personal and it took me weeks to walk back. My brother refused to move out of my room this time saying, "You're an NVCR intern, it's only a matter of time," so I have the small room with the _Spiderwolves_ wallpaper. Urgh.  
So I guess you'll learn **not to give up.**

And good **time management.** Ha.  
I have missed days of school, a whole week all at once, during Cecil's show. What feels like half an hour at the station can be... fluid.  
I asked Carlos about it when we met in the desert and he was testing his stupid umbrella. I asked him: Cecil knows that time and other stuff is wrong around the station but he does nothing about it. Doesn't that make you angry too?  
His reply? _How could I ever be angry with Cecil?_

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, that's probably it, I'm ending with Maureen.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [NVCR Intern Survival Handbook: Intern Maureen's Recording](https://archiveofourown.org/works/2766188) by [dreamwriteremmy (ehryniewi)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ehryniewi/pseuds/dreamwriteremmy)




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